My Fellow Americans,
From the moment I took the podium three months ago and announced my candidacy to your overwhelming support, I swore I would run a clean race, free from the divisive rhetoric and shallow attack ads that have plagued so many major campaigns. I also expressed my deepest hopes that my esteemed opponent would follow my lead. Sadly, that has not happened. Even before I won the primary, he has cast aspersions on my character, my ability, my commitment to the American people and, most notably, my medical condition. While I refuse to stoop his his level of discourse, I also feel it is my duty to respond to these statements and set the record straight.
George Savini is a zombie. Three years ago, due to circumstances well beyond my control, I was infected with the Gaylenisis stavrakisi virus, more commonly known as the zombie virus. Therefore, this statement is accurate, though over the past few years, I have come to prefer the term mortally challenged. However, my opponent regularly chooses to equate this with the typical pop culture depiction of a zombie. We are not the walking husks lurching down streets in the dead of night. In fact, thanks to advancements in technology, medicine and cosmetics, the average zombie can easily blend in unnoticed among the 2:30 AM crowd at Walmart. I must also take issue with my opponent’s repeated use of Tor Johnson’s image in his attack ads. This is insulting to a man who has left us a wonderful legacy of classic films and a rather spectacular Halloween mask.
George Savini eats brains. Again, my opponent has used factual information in a misleading way. Yes, I eat brains, as do all zombies. It is an unfortunate side effect of our condition. Yet again, this is shown in the context of an old film zombie attacking innocent bystanders. This is ludicrous. Not only are raw brains unsanitary, but everyone knows you need paprika, garlic pepper and a dash of Sriracha to really bring out the flavor. Like most zombies, I only eat responsibly sourced brains from certified organic farms. I highly recommend Foree’s Freshest, though I must make it clear this is a statement of preference and not a paid endorsement of their fine products. I would also like to point out that my election would come with some personal sacrifice in this regard, as brains aren’t often to be found in Washington D.C.
George Savii ran with a shambling horde. This is a blatant misrepresentation of facts. I actually ran with The Shambling Horde, a running team that took part in the first ever El Reno Fried Onion Burger Day 5K. Since I have no doubt it will come up, it is also true they requested we never participate again. However, this was only due to a member of our team crossing the finish line three days late due to a Bedlington Terrier running off with one of his legs. It’s worth noting we didn’t press charges against Mr. Muffin, though the incident has led to a productive discussion on leash laws.
George Savini smells like a burning diaper dipped into a vat of year old refried beans. While this comment was made by my opponent when he thought he was off mic, I still feel it should be addressed. These comments are hurtful and a roadblock to a productive dialogue between the living and the dead. It also discounts the wonders of Axe Body Spray. I am, of course, well aware some claim they can’t smell a difference.
George Savini was caught using a burner Twitter account to defend himself against critics. As late night talk show hosts have so conveniently pointed out, I have accidentally posted my own Twitter password as a public tweet on five different occasions. Therefore, it wouldn’t be difficult at all to hack my account. I believe this is an attempt by my opponents to make my campaign look bad. Also, the account in question often ended with #thisisnotgeorgesavini which few people have mentioned and is pretty compelling evidence in my favor.
George Savini hates the living. This is one of my opponent’s most frequently repeated statements, and is based on unsubstantiated reports that have all the credibility of middle school gossip. While I, like so many others afflicted with G.stavrakisi have been known to experience a profound jealousy toward those still living, this is only natural. The absurd claims of a grand zombie conspiracy that will lull the living into a false sense of security due to our eloquence, only to reassert our dominance thanks to our virtual immortality are laughable. It’s clearly from the realm of such outlandish stories as sasquatch, the chupacabra and people who eat corn dogs with ketchup. Also, if I hated the living, would I have a campaign shirt that clearly states Savini Loves the Living(currently available in our campaign’s Cafe Press store for $35.95 or $45.95 for extended sizes)?
George Savini has cheated on his wife on multiple occasions. From the first moment we met by the slot machines, I fell deeply and madly in love with my dear Teresa. She filled every day of my life with overwhelming joy. I felt the same the day we said goodbye, and knew she would always have a special place in my heart. However, that heart is no longer beating and marriage law in our great nation is very specific. Most ceremonies include the phrase until death do we part. As of yet, no course has overturned that clause and forced one of the undead to return to their mortal spouse. Also, when I returned to our beautiful home and she saw me for the first time after my unfortunate passing, Teresa screamed, brandished a shotgun and called the police. This made her feelings on our future together quite clear.
George Savini has a six figure gambling debt. This is another inaccurate statement. I have not set foot in a casino or race track since I first contracted the virus. I have certainly not gambled in any way, shape or form in that time. As for what happened during my mortal years, again I remind you that the courts have upheld the argument those debts are no longer valid after death. There is currently no provision for this being reversed after reanimation. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Teresa Savini that we wed in a community property state, but the law is the law. The repeated attempts of her lawyers to convey the debt back to me have only served to widen the rift between us.
George Savini sold G.stavrakisi as a Miracle Diet Pill prior to contracting the virus. Completely false. While footage of our planned infomerical has leaked online, the FDA did not approve our application. As a man who respects the laws of this country, of course I scrapped the plans. I can also say without hesitation that I have learned since contracting the virus myself, it would have worked splendidly.
George Savini was serving three consecutive life sentences when the incumbent was first elected. I’ve been very candid about this. I have made mistakes in my past that I’m not proud of. However, I believe we can all agree that I have fulfilled all legal definitions of a life sentence.
George Savini once ripped off an opponent’s arm and beat them with it during a debate. This is a classic example of bias and accounts that failed to share both sides of the story. The video of the incident between myself and Mr. Gruber have been posted repeatedly online, so I can’t deny it. However, what’s absent are the hurtful and inflammatory remarks made by Mr. Gruber that led to the unfortunate confrontation. It’s also relevant to point out that Mr. Gruber is also a zombie and endorsed me after I won the primary.
George Savini thinks “Look What You Made Me Do” is Taylor Swift’s best work to date. This is a spurious accusation, and typical of the churlish behavior of my opponent. It’s a well known fact that 1989 is Ms. Swift’s White Album and it’s not even close. There are two kinds of people in our great nation: Those who sing along when “Shake It Off” comes on the radio, and those who are lying.
Now that I have addressed all of my opponent’s claims, I hope we can lift this election from the gutter of personal attacks and focus on the issues important to all Americans and the citizens I will soon represent in Congress. I want to unify our district and our community, and then our nation. Let’s bring this great country back, just like I came back from the dead.
(Billy, this would be a good place to throw in some of that patriotic rigamarole too, or maybe make up something about me adopting a blind puppy. The mouth breathers will scarf it up like a starving man at an all you can eat buffet!)
Thank you for your time,
George A. Savini
Your Next Congressman of District 9
Editorial note: According to information from the coroner’s office, Johan Gruber was not a zombie at the time of the incident at the debate and only became one after exposure to Mr. Savini. The campaign did not respond to our calls for comment, but did launch a number of social media attacks labeling our paper as “Mortal propaganda designed to derail our movement,” along with a link to purchase Savini for Congress dress socks and baby rompers.