To :Decepticon Forces

From: Crankcase(Data Auditor)

Re: Error Rate

Greetings my fellow conquestorians!

As you may well know, Megatron has recently placed me in charge of auditing our success rate on recent sorties. Our expected Mission Success Rate is 97.5%, with an acceptable variance to goal of 94.5%. As of this afternoon, our current success rate rests at 42.4%. Dividing this into categories, our success rate against the Autobots is 4.7%, and against human forces it is 11.2%. However, our success in mall shop lifting is at a lofty 84.1%, and sorties against vending machines is at 100%! My thanks go out to Chop Shop and Brawl, respectively.

In reviewing this data, I have found a few recurring issues, which I hope to address here. Please note, I’m not trying to single anyone out! These are mistakes that have been made more than once, and the correction of which will serve to greatly improve our success rates.

Human Allies – We expect that mingling and conspiring with local wildlife will continue for the foreseeable future. Likewise, betraying those organic allies at key moments will always be a key facet of Decepticon strategy. Where we must improve is choosing the right moment. In several of our human oriented plans, we have rushed the moment of betrayal. We all know it’s great fun to pick up the human by their suit coat and dangle in the air while they sputter about the deal they made, but key threats must be eliminated before we can enjoy the fruits of our labor. It’s also important that we account for any of the numerous human allies of the Autobots when proclaiming victory. The one we miss quite often finds the crucial flaw and brings our plan crumbling down(and we all love Victor dearly, but let’s stop following his “give them a chance with a hidden escape” philosophy. We conquered Cybertron without his help, and he’s running a pissant third rate Soviet Union splinter state. Consider the source, people. Consider the source.). It also bears mentioning that, while humans prove remarkably naive, and the general populace will blindly trust us no matter our past actions, they might eventually get a clue. Let’s make the most of this avenue while we have it!

Autobot Betrayal – Several recent plans relied on the clever manipulation of Autobots into trusting us enough to betray their own. These plans work remarkably well, as Satisfaction Ratings in the Autobots are at an epic low. Many of these plans suffer from the same fault. We turn on the Autobots just as the plan comes to fruition. In many cases, if we’d held off the betrayal until a later point, we would have emerged victorious. Also, we should have recruited Red Alert to our cause. He knows every aspect of Autobot security, and he has a Netflix account.

MacGuffins – This is a catch all category for every scheme which involves either a very potent energy source, or a weapon of ultimate power. Some of you have read over the Evil Overlord list, which Shockwave made mandatory last year. However, for those who have not, this is an overview of our new SOP:

1) When finding a potent energy souce or weapon(referred to as a MacGuffin from this point forward), be sure to research it thoroughly. There are often conditions of its use conveniently inscribed in the lore. There is also the chance that, upon taking it, a guardian robot will activate, a giant boulder will roll after you, or an inconveniently placed security camera will lead to a damaging lawsuit.

2) Testing the power of a new MacGuffin is useful. However, DO NOT immediately rush off to fight the Autobots. Any new item must be subjected to a thorough investigation by the Constructicons, Shockwave, Soundwave, Starscream and Swindle(C&S) to determine its properties. It will then be given to Rumble and Frenzy in our “dumb luck” test.

3) There is a waiting period of no less than seven days before using a MacGuffin. You’d be surprised how many of these things have a finite limit, and they tend to wear off at the least convenient moments.

4) Hoarding a MacGuffin is strictly forbidden by order of Megatron. Any Decepticon found doing so will be subject to court martial, with punishments up to and including termination. Also, their rec room privlidges will be suspended, and they cannot check out books from our Community Library for 30 days.

5) Megatron will designate all authorized MacGuffin holders. Each designated holder will be flanked by a platoon of no less than a dozen Decepticons. The amount of mission failures stemming from a lucky shot, sneaky Autobot, or just plain poor handling are staggering.

6) No matter how good it sounds, we buy nothing from the Home Shopping Network. Need I remind you of the knock off Key to Vector Sigma incident?

Follow Through – While this has been mentioned in several of the other categories, it cannot be overstated. A major fault with many of our plans involves a distinct lack of follow through. While we all look forward to the day when the Autobots are scrap metal and human civilization is but dust at our feet, our celebration cannot come at the expense of being thorough. Have we slagged all the Autobots? Is there a chance they might be able to rebuild Optimus Prime? Can our secret weapon affect us as well? Might we wait for drunken revelry until after we’ve crushed our enemies? According to research, several Decepitcon plans might have come to fruition, if these simple questions had been asked.

Just remember to ask the question… are you doing everything you can for Decepticon subjugation of the galaxy?

On another topic, Megatron wanted me to note that, as of now, we are using far too much overtime. Keep a careful eye on your timecards. Try to finish your work before you’re off for the day but, if you’ve reached your full hours, clock out and let other Decepticons finishing fragging Autobot scum. This directly affects our end of the year Goal Sharing Energon bonus, and you don’t want to be the one who ruins it for everyone else.

Finally, it’s that time of year again. Shrapnel will be offering homemade Valentine Sweetheart Candy baskets for a low five Energon cubes. He will deliver outside of the Nemesis this year for a low additional fee. He also picked up extra gold felt, so we won’t have a repeat of last year’s devastating brawl over the last Electrum Special.

Have a fantastic day and remember: YOU are what makes the Decepticon army special!