Re: Recent Combat

To:Decepticon Forces

From: Megatron, Decepticon Supreme Commander

Re: Recent Combat

An evaluation of recent combat efficiency has led me to believe that we as a unit need to improve our performance in a number of areas. I recently attended a Corporate Leadership Seminar in Detroit, Michigan. Shortly before torching the place to the ground following a respectful disagreement with guest speaker Jack Welch(he felt treating employees with respect and offering competitive benefit packages led to improved performance, while I felt the business end of my fusion cannon did an effective job with less overall costs), I learned many valuable techniques. I feel implementing these ideas will lead to a better, more effective and, ultimately, more happy Decepticon army. The issues of focus are as follows:

Diversity – Many recent operations use many of the same operatives. In fact, it has been brought to my attention that many of our plans fall under one of two strategies: (1) The Seekers and myself blasting a hole in the side of our target and (2) Soundwave being taken into the target, following the impulse of human beings to carry in strange electronics with the symbol of their sworn enemies on the front, at which time Soundwave transforms and lets the cassettes wreck the place.

Effective immediately, we will now add the following strategies to the Decepticon Playbook: (1) Sneaking Reflector into potential targets. This strategy already proved effective with a Ritz Camera in a nearby mall, as part of a recent Skywarp prank. (2) Letting the Insecticons chew holes in the wall. This cunning idea offers a curve ball to our typical blowing the wall apart strategy, and has the side benefit of reducing Insecticon feeding costs. This strategy might have potential issues with the Insecticons being left vulnerable to attack or even being run over by Autobots, but I can’t imagine where this might come up. (3) Letting the Deluxe Insecticons out of the back room, where they are making cunning pamphlets and writing for Fox News.

Combat – One major issue is our accuracy in combat. Analysis of a recent battle shows that out of 14,838 shots fired in a recent altercation, 13 hit their mark. Of those 13, 7 struck trees and knocked off a limb, 4 hit a nearby road(one scaring a neighborhood cat), 1 hit an Autobot, and 1 hit a Discount Accident Attorney billboard.

This affects our bottom line. Those shots cost precious Energon, and the sum total of 483 cubes spent resulted in a terrified feline, a fused Autobot shoulder(easily repaired Ratchet), and a gap in Larry H. Parker’s teeth on a billboard(admittedly, this has caused me great amusement, so Dirge got extra rations for being my Decepticon Warrior of the Attack for the engagement(Decepticon Warrior of the Attack sponsored by McDonald’s. I’m LOVING it!”).

As such, we are instituting a new combat program, called AIM. We feel implementing this program will lead to more results, less energon and, ultimately, add to our army’s goal of being rulers of the cosmos. AIM(Acquire a Target, Interpret The Battlefield, Make Your Shot). I am placing Shockwave in charge of the specifics of the AIM program, and he will be sending out a memo that will detail the specifics of the plan in the near future.

Attitude – World domination is becoming a competitive field, and we Decepticons pride ourselves on being industry leaders. Our model has been emulated, with varying levels of success, by organizations such as the Renegades, Crooks, Venom and Microsoft. What makes the Decepticons leaders in the field, year after year, is our commitment to offering the highest quality of meglomaniacal behavior to our future subjects. In a recent J.D. Power and Associates Survey, the Decepticons ranked second in Quality of Takeover Attempts and third in Recognition. However, we finished a disappointing eighth out of ten in Monologuing. We have made available a new training module in DeceptiLearn this morning, focusing on this important skill. The video is hosted by Doctor Doom, and I for one am excited that such a legend is working with the Decepticons. Expect further modules by Doom, including How to Avoid Certain Death, How To Put a Flaw in Even The Best Master Plan, and Blaming Everything on Your Arch Nemesis.

Benefits – Finally, please remember that the amenities in the Nemesis are for the enjoyment of all Decepticons. When you run out all the power on the Electro Hydrolysis Neutralizer, you take away hours of fun for your comrades. And please remember to clean up the common room. This includes all pieces of Rumble and Frenzy after you’ve assaulted them.

If we can focus on these rules, I feel we will emerge as a better and more viable organization, primed and ready to transition to governance once the world is finally ours. Remember, in a recent poll, 73 of human surveyed said the Decepticons would run things better than their own government! And don’t forget our new motto!

Decepticons: Changing your world… whether you like it or not!