To: Decepticon Forces(certain names omitted)

From: Air Commander Starscream

Re: Work Environment

Someone has been telling you Decepticons some very bad things about a very good Seeker.

Rumors of cowardice and chicanery run rampant through the halls of our headquarters. We Decepticons conquered Cybertron by being an efficient and disciplined unit. Now, on a planet much smaller than Cybertron, with puny flesh creatures, we have become the Los Angeles Clippers of the evil world. For crying out loud, Jim Rome openly mocked us last night on his sports program(in which he dared to call me Starscreamina). I feel we have reached this low because we are bickering like a group of teenage girls at the record store with only one Backstreet Boys album.

With regards to stories about myself, I can only say this. I have done what was best for the Decepticons at every step of the way. Some point to the incident on the new Nemesis, when I supposedly shot at Megatron. The simple fact was, I detected the invisible Autobot onboard, and attempted to shoot at him. And yes, it’s true, I did work with an Autobot Security Chief, but that was only to secure a powerful weapon for the Decepticon cause.

And I have never, repeat never, claimed I was stupid.

Ultimately, this comes back to leadership. I recently attended a Striving for Leadership seminar hosted by Victor Von Doom. I spoke at length with two people in my lunch group, a scientist named Heinrich Scarab and Gray Anderson, a charming politician from a small Midwestern town. While they appeared to be more concerned with their successful brother and what the mayor wasn’t doing, respectively, we all agreed that, without solid leadership, we cannot achieve our greatest potential. I ask each of you, have we really been offered the highest quality of leadership by Megatron? Let us look at the facts, and I believe they will tell the story.

o What is the objective of the Decepticon forces? Of course, bringing more energon to our beloved homeland and bringing enlightenment to the masses of the universe(this may happen at the point of a laser gun, but these are methods, not ideology). How many of us do you think are truly working toward this goal? If we are not, the blame falls upon our leadership for not clearly iterating this goal. Of course, it would appear our great leader is more interested in flirting with mute human robots that leading us to our manifest destiny.

o How often does Megatron make you feel valued? The sheer number of defections should answer this question sufficiently. Astrotrain, Blitzwing… was your aborted coup about power, or about the fact that you’ve never been recognized for your service? Do you remember those gold star balloons placed outside the door to both your quarters? Who do you think did that? Not Megatron. I won’t even bother to ask Dirge, who was only pulled from a movie set because he had a weapon. And, it bears mentioning, a weapon that failed to do anything except create wonderful bite sized muffins. And while this <i>has</i> increased Decepticon revenue due to our deal with a certain snack cake manufacturer, do you feel it was worth it? Do you?

o Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, Ratbat, Predacons… do any of you feel left out? Like your opinions don’t matter? Maybe it’s because Megatron doesn’t like Primatives. Come on. Could any of you see Megatron with a form resembling an organic one(though the anonymous picture of Megatron transforming into that human creature Barney did prove most amusing). You would be more appreciated under a new regime.

o Do you remember when we had award ceremonies? Why don’t we anymore? And don’t tell me it’s because of the last one we had, where Thrust smuggled in the unrefined energon. We Decepticons have done much worse than straightening the Leaning Tower of Pisa and painting ancient Greek statues in tie dye. I miss the parties. Who knew Soundwave could do such a great Jay-Z? Or that Long Haul knew all the words to Forever in Blue Jeans? In these events, we get to know one another.

o Our base is underwater. I cannot be the only one who has noticed this. Why has this never been fixed? We build the Space Bridge in some random strip of land, maybe we could make an on-shore base. I for one am tired of Aquaman swimming by and saying “neener neener” every day. If you support me as your new leader, I have one word for you all: Margaritaville.

I put this to you all, my fellow Decepticons. Perhaps I have made a misstep or two along the way, and perhaps I am not perfect. But who among us is? A Cybertronian is not defined by the displays of his strength, but by how he confronts and overcomes his weaknesses. I ask all of you to look within yourself, and remember one thing. One thing, as you consider whether or not I would be a good leader:

Who forgot the Constructicons existed, then tried to take credit for building them?

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Now, if you will excuse me… Jim Rome has an appointment with my null ray.