No doubt you’ve seen the posters lining the streets on your home world, or perhaps you’ve even gone on the holonet and seen the latest advertisements. Or perhaps you’ve had the unique privilege of knowing or even being related to one of the few and the proud, and you want to follow in their footsteps. No matter how you received the call, the end result is the same: You want to be an Imperial Stormtrooper!
But even though you’ve gotten yourself into peak physical condition, brushed up on Imperial regulations, practicing riding large lizards at the local galactic fair or even gone a step beyond and practiced on the gun range, there’s still one major hurdle to overcome. The Imperial Entrance Interview is one of the most feared in the job market, but never fear! We’ve assembled the ten most common questions asked of prospective Stormtroopers, and how best to answer them!
Tell us a little about yourself.
In most other job interviews, you might be tempted to launch into a well planned pitch that encapsulates their skills, experiences and passion for the field in general and employer specifically. However, this is in fact a huge mistake, one that trips up even the most compelling of applicants. The fact is that the Empire doesn’t care one iota who you are or what you’ve been doing before. The best way to answer this question is to give your name, your educational history and some kind of statement that reinforces your mindless devotion to Emperor Palpatine. You can phrase that vow of fealty any way you want, so this is the ideal moment to let your creativity shine!
What do you know about the Empire?
Some employers want your honest impression, with both the good and the bad. We highly recommend you avoid this strategy when speaking to Imperial officials, however. Not only do they frown on candidates who speak ill of the current regime, you might find yourself branded a Rebel. Focus on the positives, with mindless platitudes like “I respect their devotion to bringing civilization to the outer rim”, “They are tireless in their pursuit of truth, justice and anyone who opposes them” and possibly “Emperor Palpatine and Lord Vader have really brought flowing capes and billowing robes back into fashion.”
What are your greatest strengths?
This might sound like odd advice for a potential stormtrooper, but be accurate! You never know when a familiarity with speeder bikes might score you one of those sweet Scout Trooper outfits, or previous work cleaning the dining room at the local cantina might lead you to a career with the prestigious Imperial Janitorial Legion. Avoid vague statements like “service oriented” and opt for stronger descriptions with real world examples, like “I once helped Boba Fett take my home town hostage.” Above all else, never claim you are strong with the Force. It does not end well.
What about your greatest weaknesses?
It doesn’t really matter what you say, because the Empire will work with you should you fit their other criteria. Near sighted? Weak willed? Have a tendency to run into the ship’s bulkheads? These are all words that describe previous cadets. So long as you can pick up a blaster and threaten innocent civilians, you’ll fit right in!
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Temper your enthusiasm here. While the Empire likes to see candidates who have initiative as well as unflagging optimism, the odds say you’re probably going to be taken down by a smuggler or princess, with an outside chance a plucky droid takes you down for comedic value. That’s the price of wearing the white and black.
What’s your dream job?
Don’t say Emperor, even as a joke. Palpatine does not appear to have a sense of humor, even taking into consideration the funny guys dressed in purple that he runs around with. Have you thought about being the commander of a Star Destroyer? The Imperial Navy is always looking for good men to lead the most powerful ships in its fleet, and this past year the Vader Mortality Rate was down to 28%, an all time low! Imperial Guardsmen are another fantastic option, especially if you like standing around all day doing nothing and hearing our beloved Emperor talk about what he’s foreseen. A great option if you love listening to evil cackling!
What’s your management style?
There’s always a chance you’ll prove yourself and be given the big orange shoulder pad, but do you deserve it? There are a few schools of thought to Imperial management, including the laid back approach, quiet intensity, strict disciplinarian or Force choking anyone who even hints at failure. It doesn’t matter what yours is, just tell them you’ll learn a little from everyone you encounter in your career. Conformity is a great value in the legion!
Would you have a problem with submitting to cloning, if asked?
While unlikely, one of the values of the Empire is that a good idea never dies, whether that be combat strategies of the Republic Army, long lost technology or a moon sized space station with planet destroying capability. Just say yes. If you think it’s an honor to join the Stormtroopers, imagine how thrilling it would feel to be all the Stormtroopers one day.
Are you planning on having children?
Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t illegal for your interviewer to ask this or any number of highly personal questions. In many cases, this is to assure that you will not waver in your slavish devotion to the Emperor. However, the question about children comes from another direction entirely. There’s a long history of children causing numerous problems in the future. If you do end up having a child, do something smart, like stash them away on a forgotten desert planet somewhere on the outer rim. No one will ever think to look there.
What would you do if you disagreed with a decision by Emperor Palpatine?
A trick question. You should never question the Emperor.
And there you have it! While you might be intimidated by the process, don’t let fear get in the way of following your dreams of serving. With luck, in no time all you’ll be seeing the galaxy behind the barrel of a rifle, and earning the respect of countless alien races. Head down to your local Imperial recruiter and give it a try. Because the Stormtroopers are looking for a few good men, but they’ll settle for mediocre.
Posted in: Freeform Friday